It lingers

It's June. My son is about to get out of school for summer vacation. It's been one month since I miscarried. Mike has asked me to try again. I have refused. I am unhappy. I am depressed. We are fighting more than usual. And I am thinking about asking him for a divorce. My grief is overwhelming me. I want him to feel the same. He doesn't. July comes and I talk to my boss about the what if's if we divorce. He tells me that in marriage there are dangerous times. Times when one is not happy and all it takes is a smile from another and you start thinking about what could be. I don't feel like this about anyone so I don't get this. But it feels like a warning. We were in a dangerous time. I can say all I want that things were great. They weren't terrible. But things were lingering around like smoke in a closed up room. At some point in July, I tell Mike that I am feeling sad about our marriage and that I want to fix it not destroy it. We start talking more and communication feels like the way out of this. We spend most days telling each other we love one another and that we will start looking to our future. No more kids, focusing more on us than anything else. I am falling deeper in love with him just like that. Like his words have snapped me back into our love. My 30th birthday comes around. We plan a big fun kid free night out. We achieve it. The next day we go on a week vacation with our kids to a condo on the bay. We spend each day on the beach and each night holding each other looking out over the stars. We act like we're sixteen again. I can't believe that just months ago I was unhappy. I vow to keep working on us. He does too. We return to our normal lives. Two weeks later, my period is missed. A few days after that I am feeling sick and I know. A little stick blinks "pregnant" and I cry. I tell him. His face turns down. We cry together. Fears of miscarriage play a role. But it's more that our plans have been changed. We had just come to this amazing place of contentment of working on communication and our marriage. It would all change. Throughout our relationship things linger. Things will be bad and then get good. Sometimes I don't even know how it happens. I just know that it does. This leaves a lot of room for lingering feelings. The pregnancy makes me so sick that the time we spend together is him caring for me and the kids and the house. We vow it won't change our plans. But it already has. Everything that has ever lingered comes out when you are unhappy. I can see that while his bad choices aren't mine. I will have a lot to own up to. Communication has never been more important. Communication has never been my strong point. I have wonderful friends. friends that call and I let the machine get it because it feels like too much work to communicate. Then I feel lonely because I have shut everyone out. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this if I am to stay with my family.