The next morning. Jake awakes and Luke follows. Mike and I are sitting outside. My husband has admitted that he started smoking. He's never been a smoker but he is now. Another thing I did not know. We go into the house and the kids are acting strange. Mike tells Jake that he has to work on Christmas morning now. And the water works begin. We're trying to figure out what to do. Act like nothing happened and spend Christmas together with the fear that my dad will reach over Santa's gifts and kill Mike. Or spend it separated.  It's clear from Jake's reaction that we can't spend it apart. We talk about how to make it through this mess like a parent business deal. I feel comfortable having him around. Why allow him to leave and be alone. Not having to care for his kids. Probably going to the bars to be comforted by his friends. No WAY. I want him here. I want him to help care for the kids. I want him here so that anytime I want to I can take my rage out right there on him. Throughout the next 3 days I do this often. He holds me while I throw my punches at him. He holds me while I scream how much my heart hurts. He takes every insult I throw at him. And he just repeats." I love you and I promise I will never hurt you like this again. " I have not eaten, slept or showered. I look and feel homeless. Between the confessions and the constant staring at the phone records. I am consumed by his affair. I want to know how he never thought of me. How he could call her and then hang up and call me. How on just one night he told me he was going to work and instead drove to her and went into work 2 hours late so that he could be with her. How could he? How did I not call him that night like I usually did. what if I had? Would I have stopped them before they went too far. Why couldn't I have just called before it went too far? These thoughts are like poison. I know this. This whole thing is like a movie. I can't turn it off.
Three days before Christmas, he's home. The afternoon was filled with me and him going to our personal therapy intake sessions waiting for the 5th of January when we can see our old couples therapist . I've also gone to Theta to help with the angry feelings. I come home calm. I sit on the couch and he and Jake are next to me. Something on T.V is so funny that the 3 of us start laughing uncontrollably. For 10 minutes I have forgotten it all. I'm looking at him and he is starting to smile. He says "your home to me" Later we put the kids in the car and look at Christmas lights. They are asleep soon into the trip. And I feel like it is the friendship I have with him that I would miss the most. He is and has been my very best friend for 14 years. A song comes on the radio, and says it all. He reaches for my hand and I tell him...we'll see what happens there is too much work ahead to think or do or say anything else. We swing between these moments most everyday. We laugh, we are mom and dad to the boys. We talk about what needs to be done around the house and the bills that need to be paid. We talk about memories and we laugh. When he is not around...the thoughts, the poison the movie plays. This  becomes the new goal. How to stop the poison so that I don't pass up the moments where the clarity comes in.
Two days before Christmas, he tells me he wants to go to church. Those who know me know that Jesus while I feel his hand on my shoulder is often someone I turn away from. The "I can do it by myself" attitude. I have not been and either has he. He confesses that he needs this to save himself. To fight the demons. My best friend stops by that night. I can see her disappointment that I am leaning towards staying with Mike. She tells me she might not be able to do it... be his friend again. I understand. The next morning she emails me and invites us to Church. Mike too. I tell him and he is over joyed to go. We go. I am really sick from a cold I have had all week. We have the kids and it's clear that the younger one won't sit for Christmas eve service. I go to the car with him. When it's over he comes to the car, and tells me he stood up to be saved. That he went and they prayed for him and our family. That if Jesus could help him to help his family he would put in all the work involved. I don't know what to think, I am happy he wants to help himself this time he did not ever do the personal work last time. However, I am unsure whether or not to trust him, or Jesus or anyone.  This road is long, we have not even reached the fork yet. I can't even yet find it on the map yet.