Today I kept busy. So busy that even though I was sick I pushed past it all so that I wouldn't or couldn't have time to think about the situation. When he woke up this afternoon, I was quiet. So quiet it was clear that my rage had just focused inward. We spent the afternoon discussing the details yet again. My mind needs every detail, my heart screams for it to end. I make him tell me everything. I want to know every conversation, every thing text ed and emailed. Every detail of their encounter away from work. I want to know so I can understand. But it's clear there is nothing to understand. He can't explain a lot of it, because he feels like it was a driving force inside him doing it. Like an addict destroys their life and then doesn't understand until their sober the true effects their addiction had on their loved ones. He's not an addict. He's a man with demons from childhood. A man who has turned his back on everyone that had ever showed him love. I have moments when I feel sorry for him. This is a crazy thought for all of you and I realize how it sounds. We all have issues. Most of us have had terrible things happen in our childhood. I didn't have a horrible childhood. I did have some horrible things happen to my family. But with each horrible thing, my family's love just got bigger and better. I have parents who have been together since they were 14 years old. Growing up I thought I was so lucky. Every one's parents were breaking up and mine were still together. I didn't know until the age of 25 that my parents relationship was at times...as bad as mine if not much much worse. My father drank to excess, my mother loathed him for most of my childhood. She wanted to leave him when she was one month pregnant with me after she caught him kissing another woman at a Christmas party. He came home and when she confronted him, he hit her in a drunken rage. What if she had left him? She didn't instead she stayed, sometimes even through hating his guts. They have survived the death of a child, loss of a business, moving across country and more. Today as I write this, they are two normal people, that happen to laugh a lot together and love a lot together. They'll be together forever because they have been through the worst of times together.
I bring this up because Mike said to me this afternoon, "It will be okay Candice. We will survive this" And I thought to myself, "HOW?" after he left tonight, I picked up a book. "Forgiveness" I know what it means to forgive and I know that I can. When I decide I am ready the last time it took 2 years if not more and so I also know how it feels to hold onto it until your colon rots itself out and you spend your life trying to get your health back. This time no matter what we do, stay together or move on. Forgiving now is what I need to do. NOT just for him. I need to do it for me. I read this...In despair, we lose all hope. I don't want to lose hope. If I lose hope and walk away, nothing in him will change and my kids will be handed his shit over and over again until their lives become his. Not going to happen. So tomorrow I will look at him and the situation with forgiveness. I will focus only on this step until we start therapy together. I have to stop the questions, the worrying, the movie that is playing. I must keep living my life to it's fullest potential...not allow this to ruin the best parts of me.
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